Trading “success” for all other kinds of happiness

We talk at lengths in parent groups about helicopter, free range, landmower organic parenting and whatever other terms we can make up. The one big reason all these parenting terminologies have emerged is because we want our kids to be successful. Let’s admit it, we all see our future minions as well rounded well-adjusted not pressed for money individuals. In this race we are willing to trade success for true happiness. We are willing to excuse impoliteness for being excellent at math or willing to overlook lack of empathy for learning to read at 3. “My kid is advanced “is usually the excuse for lack of social skills, she doesn’t have the space in her mind for that. But in reality, the biggest gift we could give our future minions is the ability to live in society and make them realize the joy in completing tasks.

Let me back up a little. I had a work pot luck I was late for a few Saturdays ago and although the food for the potluck had been prepared it had not yet been packed yet. My daughter was working through a big meltdown which was putting all our perspectives in question. The house was in utter chaos and I was willing to go to any lengths to calm her down. “You can have all the Halloween candy and our 401ks if you would just stop it right now”. But that’s when her dad stepped in. “Let’s be a big helper and try to get mommy to her party on time ok?”. I thought this was the worst idea given the situation. Her mood quickly changed, she was happy. “Ok” and pulled up her step stool, arranged the cutlets in a tray with her dad’s help of course and covered it with foil packed it in a bag and handed it to me. She checked if I took my wallet and my water bottle and waved goodbye. I left but I heard that was the end of her bad behavior for the day. Doing something for me made her HAPPY. Dopamines and seratonins took care of the rest of her tantrum.

We often rob our children of this happiness. Kids like to do things for themselves and for others. In olden times there were always siblings to care for or small chores that needed to be completed like stringing beans or shelling peas. What do they have now?

When they are one or two, they love to eat by themselves. Have you tried feeding your child who often moves his head away? This is not because they don’t like the food. They like control over what goes in. Put the same food in front of them and see them play away with it and at least a little bit goes in their mouth. Granted you’re going to have a big cleaning episode after, but it saves the tantrums and feeding struggles and trust me this strategy comes a long way through their picky preschool years.

They like to put on their own shoes. They work on it for months on end trying one way after the other and when they think they finally have it down, we are quick to criticize “You have the wrong shoe on the wrong foot”. And fix it for them. We think we are doing them a favor whereas they lose motivation and confidence. Learning comes in steps, they will get it right in time. In the meantime, we need to let the wrong foot go. If it is uncomfortable your child will let you know and then you can switch it for them.

Buttoning, zipping up, wearing their tee shirts - all the same story. We impose our impatience on their learning process and creativity. We are under the false impressing that this is a mundane task we need to get through to get to our better activities like swimming or play dates. But to them this is everything and this is where they seek happiness - doing things for themselves. We are willing to trade temporary perfection for long term happiness.